voice dysphoria
The last few days, I’ve been working on transcribing some of my old posts to this site.
I wasn’t very good with future-proofing for this task, so it’s been a little inconvenient…
Among other things, there are several choices I can’t really express in markdown.
I’ll need to go and add those in html some time, I suppose.
It’s been a while since I read all of that old writing, apparently.
More recently, I’ve been reading a lot of other people’s blog posts.
One of my friends has an interesting theme to her blog; each one is a letter to her plush rabbit, and the way she writes reflects that.
The effect is noticeable (and very sweet), and she’s quite open about using the framing device as guard rails for herself sometimes.
Now, I did tell this friend that I would stop writing blog posts about her1, so I’ll leave it there.
But the way that style of writing influences the content she writes is interesting to me.
It’s been in my thoughts, as I’ve been reading my years old posts this week, and I notice different things in my own writing because of it.
I don’t think I was ever conscious of it at the time, but…
Well, in hindsight, the writing voice that I used to have feels a little uncomfortable to me now.
Many years ago, before I transitioned, I was a very different person.
That probably isn’t surprising, I guess, but it’s important.
I didn’t really like myself, or have much of a sense of self esteem…
The way I presented myself to others was a product of a lot of things, but that absence was a major part.
I was always one of the smart kids, so I presented myself as someone clever, correct, efficient.
I channeled my aesthetic preferences for clean, refined minimalism into the ways I tried to act.
I strived to project an image of being cool and calm and collected, though I really wasn’t…
And at the same time, I started talking to friends online, and developing a written voice I hadn’t really needed ever before.
Over the last few years, I’ve changed a lot.
I try to wear my heart on my sleeve more, and worry less about what people might think of me.
But when I look at the way I was writing when I started this blog, I can see the shadows of my past self and the voice that he wrote in.
Everything feels so strict and measured, calculated and formal, even when it doesn’t need to be.
Every line reads like I was trying to sound eloquent and clever, and usually missing the mark.
Every post needs to end with some punchy final note, when I don’t even have a mic to drop.
It’s unnatural, and jarring, and it stinks of a part of myself I’ve been trying to escape.
I realised later that this voice has leached into the design of my website, even.
A lot of the failings of that site are because I never quite had the css skills for the things I wanted to do, but…
Well, picking colours is easy, so I have no excuse for the monochrome blue.
Just like how I have no excuse for the brutally plain text styling, or the featureless tables of links to posts.
All of those things are there because past me chose them, and current me can’t imagine making those choices any more.
And now I find myself here, with a chance to reinvent this small part of myself.
I’ve picked a basic theme that I thought was a cute starting point, but where to now?
What do I want to present myself as going forward?
In trying to figure that out, I’ve found myself coming back to a voice I haven’t touched in a while.
Tell me, how does it fit?
Most of the people who read my posts now probably never saw me using this voice, back when I used to do it regularly.
It’s a little rusty, after all this time, but I think I’ve had fun with it.
And it’s been adjusting my thoughts in its own way, I think.
I’ve rephrased several points to be kinder to myself, because the original lines didn’t work with this tone.
I don’t really want to get into using my blog for venting, especially not in front of my friends…
But in the past, this voice has helped me process a lot of difficult things, so I owe it a lot in that sense.
Still, I’ve definitely given kind of a poor rendition!
The 2017 friend group that crafted it would have torn me to shreds in reviews, and I would have loved them for it.
The wording is imperfect, and most of my lines are too long, so they wrap when they shouldn’t.
Not to mention, I’ve blown well past the unofficial cap of 14 lines to a post.
How do I want to redirect myself, now that I’m here?
What qualities should I be highlighting, when I present myself to the outside world?
A decade ago, I wanted to be cool and smart and clever, but I just don’t really care any more.
I’d rather be known for being loving, or supportive, or even genuine.
Recently, one adjective people have started using for me is soft, either physically or sometimes emotionally2.
I used to get embarrassed about crying easily, so I shied away from soft…
But it’s grown on me through lots of emotions and lots of really good hugs, and I kind of like it now.
I wonder, can that be the centrepoint for how I try to share myself with others, moving forward?
Here, and on my own website, as I work on redesigning that…
Having tired of being cold and hard and clinical, can I choose to be soft instead?
Thanks for listening~
Well, I said I would start writing about other things, at least. I like writing about my friends, so the targeted friendposting might continue, okay? But I'd like to try to mix it up a little, sometimes.↩
Actually, one of the people in question here commented on this. She clarified that she'd intended these the other way around, emotional before physical. Which I think I understood, but... It feels more natural to emphasise the physical component, somehow. I wonder what that says about me? In any case, sorry for the slander~↩