travel log day 11 - adelaide, south australia
a/n: i have missed a bunch of days here that i plan to backfill from my notes over the next few days, but it felt really important to write this one while it was still in my heart
i got my drivers' license at 19, because i wanted the ability to get places and help people and my parents wanted someone who could drive them places. for an assortment of reasons, many of the people around me didn't do that - to date, i don't think anyone i have called my partner has ever had a license that lets them drive a car unsupervised1. we have a friend who can and does drive, but she works far away most days, so i was kind of assuming she wouldn't be around on a wednesday morning, and i would never ask her to go so far out of her way to help us out when she has to go to work instead. so i was very much expecting to arrive in adelaide at 7am, having barely slept for two days, get an uber or even a bus home and then pass out in bed.
getting off the plane and seeing three of my favourite people standing there waiting, when i had fully accepted that they wouldn't be - that it was entirely impractical to even think they could be - melted my fucking heart.
in all honesty, i don't actually have many memories of what was, at time of writing, yesterday. sleep deprivation will do that. the moments that stuck are mere fragments of time and emotion, sticking against all odds to the smooth glass of my soul.
i remember getting in the car, listening to people talk but not really saying much myself, and how it felt like i should try to do better but, for the first time in a week, not feeling like people needed me to be better, or even to try. i reached into the back to rub your knee and you took my hand and didn't want to let it go for the whole trip home. and i felt some of the tiny sticks and rocks jamming up my soul falling out, lying in the car seat and falling on the floor.
i remember getting home and seeing my bedroom clean, like actually without mess, for the first time in over a year - i remember the guilt at thinking how much work it must have been, and i remember realising that none of these people would want me to feel guilty, and that i could thank them far more effectively by hugging them and then keeping the mess under control this time.
i remember sitting around on my phone, no energy to do anything but desperate to stay awake until 10pm to fix my sleep schedule2, and i remember you taking it upon yourself to keep me awake and give me things to do in the meantime. it helped make the struggle so much easier, and i'm sorry we didn't end up playing dawn of war about it.
i remember going for a walk around a suburb i know in my heart now, taking photos of birds and pretty flowers and some of the most beautiful people i have known. i remember you talking about looking for subjects, and someone commented on how the lens you had was too wide for good birding, and you said you weren't talking about taking photos of birds. i remember more of the blockages in my soul falling free, leaving a neat little trail along the footpaths around our house.
i remember realising i was the only one of our little group not napping, and walking around a little; finding three of you snuggled up in bed, and one of you curled up on the couch with your new friend. i remember how cute you all look when you're sleeping, and how glad i was that you all had company for your respective naps.
i remember walking to the brewery, then walking home again, a little tipsy and a little cold and so very full of light, leaving a little pile of sticks and gravel on the table.
i remember sitting on the couch as the delicious smells of cooking filled the house - i remember you telling me to go rest, then asking me back later to measure pasta, and how glad i was to have a way to help out, and how i yearned for a bigger kitchen we could all cook together in.
i remember sitting around a table eating the pasta you made for us. i remember thinking how long it had been since i got to sit around a table with my family and eat dinner. i realised with a bit of a start that i was eating dinner with my family at that moment. i remember the moment i took a sip of my drink, and i saw you smile, and i felt the last of the sticks jammed in the mechanisms of my soul slip free. i remember the exact moment i started to feel like me again. i was expecting it to take days, but it took fifteen hours, three dogs, one mouse, and one bowl of pasta3.
i remember wishing you goodnight - i kissed you on the forehead, you smiled for a moment and then kissed me back on the lips. i wasn't expecting that - it was a lovely surprise. i remember... i remember feeling in my heart that everything in the world would be all right.