foundations
i was never really that big on love languages as a concept or model. i think this is more to do with the people i've seen using them in a prescriptive sense than anything else - like many such categorisation systems, it's probably fine and maybe even helpful as long as you keep in mind that it is not in fact the whole story.
also, i just kind of don't like "acts of service" as a term. but i will admit that i mostly express affection by doing things for people.
unfortunately, i'm not really that inventive a lot of the time, but i am very paranoid, so a lot of the time i tend towards covering bases and heading off bad outcomes rather than anything else. i care about you; i will make sure you can get home okay, i will make sure you get to work in the morning, here's a reminder to call the doctor, do your injections, eat something today. i know when we're leaving, i can pack our bags in the morning, you don't need to worry about that. i can't save you from needing to wake up early but i can set an alarm so at least you know you're not alone (and maybe i can even make sure you eat breakfast). you are always welcome to stay over if you need somewhere to get away from everything for a while. i am here to talk, i am here to help, please give me everything you are struggling with and i will take it for you because i love you, and i want your journey to be comfortable.
at least, that's the idealised version of me in my mind; someone who is good and effective at shielding the people that matter to me from the dangers and worries and stresses of the world1. this is why i cared so much about being a reddit moderator for several years, this is why i still care about what happens to my Uni RPG club even though i'm barely a member any more, i think this is why i got into playing my first MMO and immediately formed an emotional attachment to tank as a party role.
but like, sure, the tank's job is to get hit so no one else needs to, but they have help with that. a final fantasy 14 tank has about 20% more health than anyone else, they have far higher defensive numbers than any other class and abilities that reduce damage they take even further, and most importantly of all, they always have a healer behind them. in some places, you can get away with not having a tank, but you can't get away with having someone without all of those bonuses trying to perform the role of tank. a tank that doesn't have the correct support for what they're doing is an active detriment in a way that the mere absence of a tank isn't.
i want to be a stable and reliable foundation for the people around me, but the last little while i've felt like my own foundations were kind of falling apart. you are welcome in my home - but my home is an awful mess, and "you are welcome here" doesn't mean much if someone it was meant to apply to feels uncomfortable there for other reasons. i will get you home - but my car isn't really drivable at the moment, so can i really promise that any more? please eat something - sorry, we don't actually have any breakfast food in the house, i'll try to be better prepared next time. please give me your struggles, but it turns out things don't actually work that way. i'm here to talk, but i am not the person you need to talk to, so what good is that?2
and then i got covid for a week or so, and all that uselessness got so much worse; the house you are welcome to stay in is a quarantine zone now, i think you should eat but i can't make you dinner because i really shouldn't be touching food, i want to come and visit you while you're sick and deliver you things but i can't because i'm not irresponsible enough to get on public transport like this and my car brakes are still fucked. it sucked! it was awful!
and then... i was talking about this a bit last night3, with one of the several people i feel like i have let down over the past month, about feeling guilty because i find myself ill equipped for the things i would like to do for people, and she said
we could so totally fix your car, y'know
which..... is correct! both in the literal sense, though considering the brakes are an important safety component of a car i am inclined to get them checked professionally (on account of the paranoia), but also in the more symbolic representative sense that i meant it. the lesson here is not that i am bad and should go and shrivel in a hole for being a failure, the lesson here is that i should take more care to maintain the base state i exist in that lets me be better for the people i love. for all my telling other people put on your own gas mask before helping others, i suspect i tend towards just holding my breath far more than is really healthy, and... i am not writing a 2:30am resolution to change that, but i will try somewhere-approaching-my-best.
thinking about it now i genuinely wonder how much of this is just from growing up with strict parents and a younger sibling who i love very much↩
and this is without even thinking about the very important and obvious point that - does any of this actually help? how many well intentioned choices come off as annoying because they are not actually wanted or needed? i know i've hit that one several times lately, but i still haven't gotten it into my head that i should actually ask.↩
another great failing of my trying to make people's lives easier - if there's no other option then the least i can do is surely refrain from adding more things for them to stress about - but that's not so simple either, is it? i'm not really that good a liar, so in practice trying not to stress people just leaves them unable to trust that i am not constantly on the edge of exploding from secret built up pressure, which makes them more stressed. but telling people about my problems also makes them more stressed. it's quite unfortunate.↩