building habits
I didn't realise it at the time, but yesterday was post number 11 in this new attempt at blogging on the internet - I made it past ten, yippee! I'd already surpassed the number of general topic blog posts I'd managed the first time, but that wasn't really a very high bar, and if we include my previous efforts at game devlogging and food reviewing in the count, I still have quite a way to go.
That said, eleven posts in a little over a month is pretty good going, by my usual standards. I can feel myself actually building the start of the habit, the growing awareness in my mind when it gets to the evening and I haven't written anything for the day yet. I'm having to watch myself not to squash that start; all of my instincts whisper that trying to make plans and commitments will push me to reach a bit further a bit faster, but I know that there's no quicker way to burn myself out. I enjoy writing about how I've been doing recently! I think it's probably good for me, in some sense. I can imagine a future version of me that writes something every day and never feels pressure from the commitment. I know that I am not that person right now, and I cannot choose to become her. So I'm not writing daily right now, and that's okay.
About a year ago, a friend came to my house and made my bed. It hadn't been made properly in a long time, and the act meant a lot to me. Today it helped me tidy my desk, also for the first time in a long time - we found some things I had honestly forgotten existed, though as far as I can tell we also didn't find some things that I had assumed were in that mess somewhere. We even had enough room at the end to permanently set up the drawing tablet that I got a year ago and was previously keeping on the floor when it wasn't in use - the hassle was really demotivating, so I would like to try to get back into doing art more now that I have easy access again. More importantly, everything looks so clean now! It looks like an actual space a person could live in!
When I stopped living with my parents, I guess I lost my main external motivator to keep my life and my living space in order. Some parts of that I managed to replace for myself in the past few years - I manage to eat, and make sure the people around me do the same - but the keeping my house clean reflex is still a work in progress. I just get overwhelmed by the formidable nature of the task really easily, so all it takes is one slip to start the snowballing decline.
But, like I said at the start of this new burst of blogposting, the point of all this is to fail and try again! And I feel like I've been offered a great opportunity to try again in this small part of my life, for which I am grateful.
So, how do I actually form a habit here? If I'm not pushing myself with commitments and the threat of failing them, what do I do to keep my blog updated, and my art skill developing, and my desk clean?
Well, my current theory is that I can toe the line with reminders for myself. I think I wouldn't have gotten this far with posting regularly without some friends who reminded me every evening that bearblog exists. I've been getting out of bed earlier the last few weeks, so if I can time it right, can I prompt myself to use that bonus morning time for cleaning instead of whatever else I would usually do? I'm a little worried that the path between poking my free-time self and hurting my motivation with expectations will turn out to be a narrow one, but I guess there's not a great way to tell without trying it.
The visual art will need a little more finesse, I think; it's been a couple of months since I had the drive for it, but maybe I can figure out how to dredge it up again some time. It might be a more involved process than just setting a phone reminder. But then, maybe the cleaning thing will turn out to take more than that anyway, so who really knows? I'll try it and report back some time, maybe.
Thanks for listening~