an amateur's guide to stabbing a person to death in the park
CW: what it says on the tin
the thing is, the first motion is the easiest. it really shouldn't be.
it doesn't seem real, is the thing. you let yourself dissociate enough, you get into kind of a bad mood, they're not really a person any more. it's about what they represent. a threat, a reminder, a weight that keeps trying to drag you back to a world that isn't yours any more. someone, something, you need to move on from. once you lose enough sleep thinking about the problem, all of the solutions become so much simpler.
besides, up until that first moment, they don't know not to trust you yet. you can just walk up and give them a hug. just don't let them see what you've got in the other hand, right?
if you've never stabbed someone before, you probably don't know what you're doing. don't get tricky with it. steer clear of the ribs, your knife will probably get stuck in them, or something. didn't you hear something about going under the ribs and then angling upwards to reach the heart? maybe. probably safer to just keep it simple. keep the blade straight, and keep enough force behind it - if the knife is sharp it'll go in easier than you'd expect, but if you let yourself think about that then you definitely won't stab hard enough to get through the muscle.
you motherfucker. you idiot. what part of 'keep the blade straight' did you not understand? now look at what you've done. look, just keep them close and take a couple more goes at it, okay? there we go. surely one of those worked. you can step back now.
now look at what you've done. watch them stagger back, struggle to stand. remember the way those eyes used to light up when they saw you? have you ever seen them this full of fear before? look how gruesome and twisted their face looks when they're in unbearable pain. listen to them crying, caught half way between screaming in pain and whimpering - wasn't this supposed to be quiet? didn't you read somewhere that people were weirdly quiet when they were stabbed? maybe that was just if they got stabbed in the throat? that would make sense. maybe you should have tried that, but the angle would have been weird and tricky. it was more reliable this way. look at all the blood. a person has, what, five litres of blood? that can't be right, they'd have run out by now. but it's still going, it's everywhere, all over the ground and soaking through their clothes and also yours, filling your nose with the smell of wet iron until you can taste it at the back of your throat, plastering your shirt to your stomach, slippery and sticky all at once, all over your shoes and your clothes and your knife and your hands and your face—
you've remembered again now, haven't you? this is a person again, not just a problem you need to deal with. bit late for that now, of course. don't you dare look away. what are you even doing here? you could have just talked about this. but that was too hard, wasn't it, and now you've gone and killed someone. a whole world of experiences, thoughts and dreams and loves and desires, all ending in blood and pain and suffering because you couldn't put in the effort to fix things any other way. don't you dare look away. you did this. you don't get to hide from it.
oh, you want to go back now? you think this was a big mistake and you want a do-over? yeah, i'm sure you do. do you think they want a chance to do this night over, too? this doesn't work that way. so here's the hardest part. you're already committed. but you need to keep going. don't just leave them like this, you monster. they're not making it out of this, you can see them fading already, but how long is it going to take? a minute? ten? twenty? do you really think they deserve to keep suffering for all that time? of course not.
so don't think for a moment that your job is done yet. you've taken this person's whole life into your hands and crushed it, the least you can do is take enough responsibility to stop them suffering. after everything you've done to them, you can still offer them that small kindness. look, they can't even stand any more, they're not going to offer much resistance. you know where the heart is, right? maybe it's time to try that one? or, isn't there some artery or something on the inside of the thigh that will kill you almost instantly if it gets severed? that could work. perhaps you could try cutting their throat after all. you have options. just do something.
i know it's hard. i know you don't want to do this any more. but you need to. you can't just leave them here to scream and bleed and die like this. they deserve better.
you're just being cruel at this point. you've just killed a person, i get that it hurts, but you need to get a grip just for a moment. you need to be strong one more time.
you need to find a way to do this.
please?